Ambition | Better Together: Sakura Bloom Sling Diaries, Vol. VI
Ambition sounds like such an intense word to me, but I kid you not, sometimes my “ambitions” change in a week. Or a day. Or by the hour. You all know what I’m talking about. Before I had kids, I just knew I would be totally put together—makeup did, hair did, everything did with baby on hip, perfectly behaved and naturally amusing him/herself. Also, the child would have a wide-ranging palate and extensive vocabulary. UGH! Eye roll. Although my infallible children are all of these things (*cough *cough), I will try to be more relatable.
Some days, I’m being ambitious because I’ve decided to go to Costco AND the grocery store AND do laundry all in the same day! Call me crazy. Or I’ll be really ambitious and decide to do an epic, whimsical photoshoot on the lake for my sling diaries entry, but it turns out to be way too bright and the wind keeps whipping my hair into my face and mouth. Some weeks, I’m super ambitious and decide the kids won’t watch any television … Well, maybe no TV for just a few days … OK, one day … OK, OK. Two hours!
Seriously though, you know what kills ambition? Perfectionism.
My whole life I have struggled with perfectionism. I hated failure, I hated mistakes. I didn’t want to be good, I wanted to be the best. I thank God social media wasn’t as massive when I was in high school as it is now. I had a hard enough time comparing myself to others as it was. It became such a struggle for me that I started to loath myself. I became addicted to working out to become the “perfect” girl. I would run for an hour before school, go to school, have gym class, do soccer practice after school, then hit the gym for a few hours, and finally take another hour run just before bed. All the while, my diet consisted mainly of apples. Weekends I would binge. I became obsessive. My ambition was something so illusive, so unreal. If I thought someone was better at something than I was, I would either try harder or quit because it was “their thing” and not mine.
Thank God for the most incredible family. I was pulled out of my obsession and my heart went through a lot of healing. It took a lot of honesty and brokenness. My ambitions have changed because, although I’m learning every day not to compare, I am allowing myself to instead be inspired by the incredible women around me. Instead of feeling jealousy, I am encouraged. Instead of entertaining despair, I am filled with joy.
My ambition is not to be a perfect mom.
My ambition is not to be a perfect wife.
My ambition is not be a perfect woman or artist or writer or entrepreneur.
My ambition is not even to have well behaved, organic fed, deep thought thinking, Beyoncé loving children.
My ambition is deeper than that. Ultimately, it’s that, through all my mistakes, love would shine. That my loved ones would remember me with words like joy, mercy, and love. That my life wouldn’t make others want to be me, but want to be unashamedly themselves. That my children would know their intrinsic value and be free and at peace to be who they are; that at the end of the day, no matter how big their messes are, I hope they know they can come to me and I’ll be singing over them…
“I can see your Halo, Halo, Halo…”
You will always find someone doing something “better” than you can. But nobody, and I mean nobody, can do you. How you do life is more important than what you do in life. So what if that mother’s children are potty-trained before age two? So what if she has perfect white walls that Instagram so well? So what if she has a published book and you’re still writing chapter one? So what if Wes Anderson totally stole your idea for a movie and Princess Kate totally got pregnant at the same time you did and stole your thunder?
What I’m trying to say is, things don’t last. The books, the albums, the paintings, the money… They just don’t matter that much.
Memories last. Beauty fades. But a soul lasts for eternity.
That’s why when you ask me what my ambition is, my answer is this: